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My Story “Trust me I am a doctor,” she said. That commenced my full decade into Hell. “Take these” she said and handed me some tablets. “But there’s nothing wrong with me,” I objected. That is when she pulled rank. I had consulted her about a family member. The changes were sublte at first. But then, suddenly, when bouncing my son on my knee... I felt nothing... It had always filled me with happiness. The difference was too stark to ignore. Back to the psychiatrist. I was the patient this time. She doubled the dose. And added a diagnosis. I had full blown MDD, Major Depressive Disorder. My duty towards my children, that never left me. Yet the part that enabled one to survive and thrive in a corporate setting, that part just didn’t care anymore. When I had to fly to another continent on business, the jet lag from the time difference combined with the drugs left me in a confused state, so I stopped taking them. The very next day I felt wonderfully better. I stayed off them for 6 weeks, but then a worse depression hit me. When I went back to the doctor for help she shouted at me for stopping. Other strange things started to happen. One morning I couldn't remember how to dress myself. I'd stood there puzzlling whether to put my shoes or my socks on first. I stopped the drugs again. Same pattern. This time she put me on something even stronger. Then someone told me the truth: the medication was the cause. Not a side effect. The cause. It was a lightbulb moment. The reason why when thinking what I would do next, it always crept in. Every day. Mmm, go for a walk, or a swim, or kill myself. Bizarre. I tried to taper. Cut 50% I was told. I was in the parking garage of a skyscraper. I had arrived for an appointment with a top corporate client. But first I sat in my car and cried for fifteen minutes. Dried my eyes and did the appointment, but had to go back on full dose. I finally worked out a way to cut my dose by 1/28. I stayed on 27/28 dose for two weeks until withdrawal stabilised, and then tapered 1/28 again. I informed my psychiatrist what I was doing. “If you do this” she said, “You will die.” My response was “I am already dead.” This time it worked, I could tolerate the slow withdrawal. I started to feel better and better as there was less drug in my system. I took my last pill 21 years ago. A decade on, and now 21 off! For years after tapering, my body was still unstable - random depressed days, plus metabolic instability. Then eleven years ago I discovered keto and those days stopped. They never came back. I will forever live with the consequences of who I was then. Now I have control of who I am. Now I deprescribe, I coach others so that I can be the support I wish I had.
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